The F*ing Fours

We made it through another trip around the sun. Teddy is “this many” [shows four fingers]. Teddy had an awesome year being 3, he rocked it, really. Now I am holding on for dear life and hoping that we make it through this year in one piece.

I was told to watch out for the Terrible Twos and when Teddy hit three I heard “ahhh, he’s a Three-nager now.” But none of that hit our house. I walked through the world smug and smiling with my joyful and sweet little boy, thinking, “Not my kid.” Never once did he run away from me in public or throw a tantrum in a store.

No one told me about age four. No one warned me my kid was going to become a possessed manic. I knew he would stop napping eventually, but become an exhausted sleep monster? I knew he would be smarter, but a manipulative genius? I knew he would get older and change but who is this person in my house?

We have hit the Fucking Fours. I”m here to give you fair warning that they exist.

It happened all at once. One day he was a cute, toddling, little cherub and the next he was a lanky, leggy, fast and loud, maniac. I was convinced I needed to consult a therapist for this sudden change in behavior.

In desperation, I asked my trusted group of friends what the heck was going on, was my kid going phsycho or was this some developmental phase I wasn’t prepared for.

My friends told me that yes indeed 4 year olds suck (phew, my kid wasn’t turning into a Lifetime Movie headliner) and this phase is actually called the Fucking Fours. The **what?!** you say.

The Fucking Fours … because they are fucking loud, fucking annoying, fucking scream-y and fucking tantrum-y and it’s fucking exhausting.

My mind knows that this is a really hard age for kids, they are not (for the most part) trying to be jack-asses. It’s an in-between age, between baby/toddlerhood and real childhood. Full of BIG emotions and ideas but not quite ready to handle them yet. Life is starting to become real and scary. It’s the age of no more naps but damn he needs a nap. Now he he tired and cranky by 4pm and wired again by 5pm but so ready for bed it isn’t funny.

I want to scoop him up and cuddle him and make it all better when he is crying so hard that he says “I can’t stop the tears” but he won’t let me, he needs to figure it out on his own terms. It does makes it that much sweeter when he is ready for a snuggle and a kiss though.

He may not always be in the mood to hold hands, he might be running away at break neck speed, but he still always replies to my I love you with “I love you all the way around.”

The fucking fours are master manipulators. They are aware of what you are doing and how to work around you. Maybe it’s a stand off, maybe it’s a tantrum, maybe it’s tears. Something will work today for them to get their way. At least it often does in my house. Is today going to be the day that mom just doesn’t want to deal with any tears/screaming/mess and gives in to that cookie before breakfast? Probably.

The Fucking Fours are sometimes so fucking cute

Fucking Fours like to press boundaries with all things making bed time super enjoyable. The once loved bath is touch and go. Getting ready for bed is a delicate matter hinging on whether you set out the right pajamas and have prepared the correct books. No? Well then back to square one, after he’s calmed down. But as he gets sleepier, he gets more cuddly and wants to read more (ONE MORE BOOK JUST ONE MORE!!!) and you lay in bed and sing songs like you did just a few months ago.

You tuck that long lanky kid into that big boy bed and the Fucking Fours slide away and he’s just your sweet little boy.

Until 1:47am when he screams your name and demands you sleep in his bed …