Rothstein, Party of Three ...

Before having a family of my own, it never occurred to me that there are so many questions surrounding families with one child.

As soon as you get engaged people start asking, do you want a family?  When you say I do, the question becomes, when are you going to start a family?

Then as soon as you announce you are pregnant, boom, the questions start again, "How many more kids do you think you'll want?" or "how close in age do you want your children to be?"  Somewhere down the line not only did how and when we start a family become everyone's business, but it became standard practice to assume every couple is going to have multiple children.  

Obviously, couples do not have to have children, but it has become the societal norm that they have at least a couple (and if you ask my midwife, 3 is the new 2).  Somehow having kids has become not only what you are supposed to do but having multiple kids is what you are expected to do.

One and Done

Despite the life I am living now, I always assumed that I would have a whole brood of kids as well - a house full of children, three, maybe five.  Just like in the show Brothers and Sisters (but not like the Duggers!).  But plans and lives change.  

As Zach and I talked about starting a family, plans morphed and changed.  There isn't one single reason or another (besides my really not wanting to drive a minivan) but by the time we were pregnant we knew we only wanted one child.  

Once we had Teddy we knew we were right.  Our family felt was complete.  There was nothing else we needed to do to make our family, we were already there.  And, damn, parenting is hard enough with one kid!

Really, Just One?

When Teddy was just an infant friends began asking how far apart we wanted our kids.  As if it was a given we were having a second. [Side note.  Some friendly advice, don't ask a mom with a new baby when she's having her next ... it's really silly].  They didn't ask, do you plan on having more.  No, the question was always, when will you have another.

When I gave my reply that Teddy would be our only child, I was often met with shock, cautionary advice, and concerned faces. 

Here are some of my favorite responses:

• "Won't he be lonely" - no, he will have friends and family, and siblings are not guaranteed to get along
• "Won't you be bored" - are you crazy?
• "I didn't want an only child because I was afraid they would be weird" - well we aren't weird so we aren't too concerned (WTF?)
• "Don't you feel selfish" - um, no, I feel that we are smart for knowing ourselves well enough to make a comfortable decision about our family
• and my all time favorite; "But what if something happens to him" - What?! let me let you in on a little secret, another child would never be a replacement. 

Own Your Happiness

I got some of the best advice on how to handle these situations and how to stand up for our family from a random conversation with another mom.  Once I learned that she too had an only child, I asked if she ever felt that it was hard to deal with the pressure and comments about only children.  Her advice has stuck with me since, "We love our party of 3."  You have to embrace your decision and hold it as your own happiness."

That one statement resonated with me and has stayed with me ever since.  

As a parent, people second guess almost everything you do from what kind of diapers you choose to how many kids you have.  Learning to embrace my decisions and hold them as my own happiness changed everything.

Now when people ask if Teddy is an only child, instead of silently nodding my head and waiting for a response, I respond with a prideful, "Yes, our one and only" or "Yes, we love our party of 3."  Our happiness shines through.

And just incase you are curious what it is really like as a family of three, I've come up with a list of the perks:

• No minivan!
• The whole family can all fit on a couch, comfortably.
• We can all fit in one row on a plane (a plus and a minus)
• You can hold hands with the whole family all at once :-)
• You only have to go through each phase once (good-bye sleep deprivation, I will miss my toddler though)
• Zach and I have time and energy to pursue our interests, socialize with friends, and devote to each other without feeling like we are short changing our family.  

The next time you see a family with an only child, remember, they have their own version of happiness.  Be happy for them and know it's the family that they love.  And mom isn't driving a minivan :-)

xo Our Party of Three