Furst Babies

When Zach and I began telling people we were expecting people told us all sorts of crazy things. Among the many things people told us was how we were about to relegate our beloved dogs, Rudy and Kaily, to second class citizens, “just wait until you have kids; everything will change.”

I was deeply bothered by this assumption every time. How could someone think that I would suddenly love and care for these dogs any less than I did before? Did people really think I would change?

The truth is that everything changed in an instant but everything stayed the same, too.

Zach got Kaily when she was just weeks old. By the time I was pregnant, she had been a part of our lives for 10 years. Old man Rudy, my love, came into our lives at a stately 8-ish years old when I was just 6 weeks pregnant.

We said goodbye to Kaily around 6 months ago now. A quick goodbye after a long decline in health. It was one of the hardest nights of my life. Rudy has been put on notice that he is on the “live forever plan.”

These dogs have been through a lifetime with us. Kaily slept at my feet studying for 2 bar exams and letting me cry into her fur when i failed both. Kaily sat next to me in the quiet, sad, days after a miscarriage, just sitting and watching the door, making sure I was safe. Rudy has snuggled in bed with me,a new mom exhausted and near tears, floundering, nestling up against me and willing me to calm down.

Prior to Teddy, these dogs were our WORLD. I would spend hours at the dog park with Kaily, throwing the ball and frisbee until one of us cried “uncle.” Rudy and I spent countless hours snuggled on the couch watching TV or reading, just passing time away. We fed them off of our plate (or fork) and never missed their doctor’s appointments. Kaily studied for the bar exam with me, and sat at my feet as I wrote countless papers for my masters, she was there when I was fired from two jobs in six months and when Zach and I got engaged and married. These dogs were our lives.

Then another life arrived.

What has never sat right with me is the illusion that just because my heart opened so much by bringing two people into the world, that it would somehow close a little to this creature that I had loved so much before they were born. To me, those two things never went hand in hand. - Katherine Berbeck

It is true, our lives changed, quickly and dramatically. A loud, needy (and probably smelly to the dogs) child entered the house and consumed what felt like every ounce of our waking and sleeping time and energy.

The hours long trips to the dog park quickly stopped, and we can’t sit and watch movies in the middle of the day and cuddle anymore. The house is full of movement and noise, 75% of which scares the pants off the Rudy. But the expression of love is still there, the kisses and pets, the “covert” food off the table, and letting one of them sleep under the sheets.

Rudy now spends most of his days anticipating a combination of preschooler handouts and screams, sprawled out on the bed snoring alone, or following us around not expecting special attention, just wanting to be close. His love has remained unwavering in spite of all of the change. It’s the embodiment of unconditional love and a true testament to why I love him.

If Zach isn’t home by 5:30 p.m., Rudy starts pacing the house and can hardly wait for him to walk in the door and great him with whines of joy and excitement. We are more than willing to spend those last precious minutes before bed searching the house for a beloved stuffed animal (yes the dogs have stuffed animals) because it brings them joy and comfort).

Rudy, 5 years after joining our lives, and Kaily, close to the end of hers, still love us as much as they did on day one, even after all the change we threw at them. How could someone love that any less over time?

I love Rudy to this day as much as I did the day he hopped out of the car and greeted me, maybe even more. My heart aches every time I explain to my son about Kaily and Heaven.

So, what do I think about those people who said “just wait until you have kids; everything will change?” I think they are right, but not in ways they thought. My heart has grown in size, made room for more beings and expanded its definition of true and unconditional love, for all of my children.